{"version":"1.0","provider_name":"Rainbow Dash Network","provider_url":"http:\/\/rainbowdash.net\/","type":"link","title":"Cupcakes Nom (cupcakes)'s status on Friday, 17-Jun-11 23:23:43 UTC","author_name":"Cupcakes Nom (cupcakes)","author_url":"http:\/\/rainbowdash.net\/cupcakes","url":"http:\/\/rainbowdash.net\/notice\/194078","html":"@redenchilada<\/span><\/a><\/span> I just finished reading your friend's story. I'm really off my game right now, so this is going to be pretty pathetic, but relay this to your friend: --Remove the "theme song" part; the tone of the story is a bit too dark to be believable as an episode. --Re-do the paragraph spacing. Every time a new pony talks it should be a new paragraph, with a blank line between each, for readability's sake. --Having Apple Bloom stuck to Applejack's hip after worrying about her is really well done. So is the tension regarding Daisy Cream. --"Oh, hi. What do you want?" is pretty blunt\/rude for Twilight to greet a random person, especially one that she's been seeing out of the corner of her eye all day. --The "back on the farm," "back in Ponyville" stuff should go. Find ways to do this without it being so blunt, like is already done in other paragraphs. --There's a lot of "show, don't tell" issues in here, like exposition that should come out in dialogue. But that's a LOT of re-writing."}