1.0 link Rainbow Dash Network http://rainbowdash.net/ Cupcakes Nom (cupcakes) http://rainbowdash.net/cupcakes http://rainbowdash.net/notice/194078 @<span class="vcard"><a href="http://rainbowdash.net/user/798" class="url"><span class="fn nickname">redenchilada</span></a></span> I just finished reading your friend's story. I'm really off my game right now, so this is going to be pretty pathetic, but relay this to your friend: --Remove the &quot;theme song&quot; part; the tone of the story is a bit too dark to be believable as an episode. --Re-do the paragraph spacing. Every time a new pony talks it should be a new paragraph, with a blank line between each, for readability's sake. --Having Apple Bloom stuck to Applejack's hip after worrying about her is really well done. So is the tension regarding Daisy Cream. --&quot;Oh, hi. What do you want?&quot; is pretty blunt/rude for Twilight to greet a random person, especially one that she's been seeing out of the corner of her eye all day. --The &quot;back on the farm,&quot; &quot;back in Ponyville&quot; stuff should go. Find ways to do this without it being so blunt, like is already done in other paragraphs. --There's a lot of &quot;show, don't tell&quot; issues in here, like exposition that should come out in dialogue. But that's a LOT of re-writing.