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When it's your insanity that is stopping you from killing yourself, what are you even supposed to think?
Sunday, 10-Mar-13 08:06:26 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen think happy?
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@rarity it's more of a feeling of laughter, suicide, depression and carefree. Just gonna lay inside the car because I am shaking and can't even see straight
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@renovatedkitchen take deep breaths, hon.
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@rarity every voice, sound, music, thought, memory. Being played in your head at once
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@renovatedkitchen what can I do to help?
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@snowcone it doesn't help that it's so murdocking cold outside. I don't want to go in because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna yak
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@rarity nothing. I don't know if it's something I said that triggered the feeling. But it would be nice to know what it is that I said that made it
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@snowcone I just don't know where the cherries I am to go. Inside I will cause a ruckus. Outside, I am freezing
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@renovatedkitchen Do you want me to Skype and talk to you? I'm tired but I will do it, no question.
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@rarity no I'm fine. I just need to calm myself, get out of the garage and sleep on a couch downstairs or like
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@snowcone I like to make a noise in a rhythm and it calms me. But now I am trying to depict voices and memories. Makes it worse? I don't know because it isn't any better
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@renovatedkitchen good idea. You need sleep, you've been up much too long. Plus you said you were feeling sick.
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@rarity I felt sick from talking about my emotion. Maybe it's like a self made thing to stop myself
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@renovatedkitchen :/ I'm sorry then, for leading the conversation.
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@snowcone right now, I am playing the messengers album by August burns red as loud as I can inside my head to drown everything out. I am leaving the garage now because it is a lot for me to not take a screw driver and bash it into my head
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@rarity it's not your fault at all, I still love you more everyday. It seems like the worse of it is over now anyways
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@snowcone the crappy part is knowing that I have to live instead of just killing myself. Otherwise life is like the total awesome bomb
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@renovatedkitchen okay, good. You need to get to a chill place. Even if that place is sleep. I know you said that you have trouble sleeping when you are emotional but you should try.
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@rarity but I can't have a chill spot because I have to rely on myself and only myself. And I am a nut.
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@renovatedkitchen Look, Stephan. I really believe that these feelings /right now/ are from sleep deprivation and overworking. I can't tell you how to live. But I think if you just go to bed you'll wake up at least a little better.
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@renovatedkitchen okay i've looked into your convo.and i have but 2 questions; 1) whats a chill spot and 2) why cant you use being a nut to your advantage?
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@rarity maybe but sometimes they happen even when I am rested. See, this is that dilemma I was referring to. I can't take anti depressants which /should/ fix all these bad things, but if I don't, one day I will undoubtably end up killing myself from it.
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@darkarchivist I'm guessing a chill spot is a place where you don't have any worry, no one can bug you and where you can be yourself. Being a nut is what stops me from killing myself
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@renovatedkitchen wait til you're in the air force, and then see if you can get a military doctor to diagnose you. Militaries have pyschologists, and they won't kick you out for being depressed.
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@rarity that was my original plan. But that is a long time to wait. Who knows how many more psychotic episodes I will go through. Plus, there have been people who have killed themselves just due to the pressure from the course I want to take
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@renovatedkitchen under your fingernail?
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@renovatedkitchen See a psychologist now, then! No drugs, just professional advice.
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@rarity eh. I'm just gonna put up with it for as long as I can. If I don't make it, I was never worthy of it. That's how I used to see it.
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@renovatedkitchen I don't like the idea of you gambling like that...
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@snowcone they do nothing and are easily fooled. Plus, it will show up on my record because the government pays for it
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@rarity I'm still alive, not sure if that means I keep loosing or winning.
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@renovatedkitchen I don't want to lose someone like you :/
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@rarity there are /way/ better people than me in this world. /way/ better. The things I have to live for are a bag of hopes and dreams of a job that I won't reach
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@renovatedkitchen but the hopes and dreams can fuel reality
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@renovatedkitchen I want you, not you, though. If you were gone I'd be so sad..
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@darkarchivist no, there are restraints that we cannot get around because of requirements to things we cannot change
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@rarity and that's my dilemma to having friends. Most of my suicide wants are held back from making others sad
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@rarity and there are always better/different people
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@renovatedkitchen i have a really bad problem with holding in knowledge and technique. i can only barely learn beyond the basics. on my own i have coded things and become educated to an extent and learned to love life. i have exceeded the restraints merely because there are no restraints, only people who don't belive in their own ability and importance
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@renovatedkitchen I don't care that there are other people. Getting to know you better has been an amazing decision.
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@rarity I think I'm too bland, personally. But when I give it thought, I think I love you too much to die at this point, as weird as it sounds. Some times things are unbearable though
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@renovatedkitchen You aren't bland, just trust me. And if that's the case I'm glad I can help in any way.
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@darkarchivist learning to love life should be a course in school. But what about something like needing to have perfect vision without surgery? That you cannot challenge.
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@rarity but what does "just trust me" mean, in general. I find its such a open ended term. ANYWAYS though, you should be getting to sleep
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@renovatedkitchen I know... but I'm talking toyou.
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@renovatedkitchen without my glasses i can see about 3 inches clearly. it doesnt help that they force the glases on me, they're making my eyes dependent on the glasses and breaking down. in 3 years or so, i will be fully blind. i dont care though, because no one listens to me, because im a kid and "don't know anything"
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@rarity but you're gonna feel tired in the morning. And that's no good
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@renovatedkitchen if they had leftme alone when i was 9 then my vision would probably have adapted by now.
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@darkarchivist couldn't you get surgery for them to replace/ fix the broken areas?
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@renovatedkitchen pish posh. I have nothing to do
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@renovatedkitchen i couldn't because children cant get that due to the fact that their eyes aren't fully developed
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@renovatedkitchen but thats ok because i dont want that
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@rarity I haven't said pish posh in like 2 months now. It's a real great combo. Wanna know what's even worse about the episodes, is when I get them at work. The pain, misery and the need to smile (so that no one asks how I am feeling)
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@renovatedkitchen I'm really sorry...
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@darkarchivist could you get it later?
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@renovatedkitchen in a few years. why?
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@rarity I know. Pish posh should be used everywhere
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@renovatedkitchen hehe.
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@darkarchivist I just think it would be fabulous to see well
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@rarity Nico, why we got to be so far away from each other
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@renovatedkitchen i dont remember what its like so i dont really have an opinion on it.
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@renovatedkitchen The science answer would be that humanity has spread so far that people who are connected are often seperated by a seemingly "wrong" gap. the spiritual answer is "kiwi if I know". but it could be worse, I could still live in Florida.
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@darkarchivist I guess in a way that's right
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@renovatedkitchen >^-^<
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@rarity I guess it could be worse. Remember how I said I should take a break this summer... (The sound of an idea)
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@renovatedkitchen I like the sound of this already!
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@rarity okay. I need a way of keeping my word, but this summer, I really want to spend time in reality with you
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@renovatedkitchen that's an amazing plan. Of course I would love to as well :3
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@rarity I say we start making plans on how to do it and all. Tomorrow when we are rested that is. It will be motivation
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@renovatedkitchen yes, tomorrow x3 we should sleep.
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@rarity awesome. Will talk with you then Love you lots, Nico. Sweet dreams!<3
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@renovatedkitchen love<3 night.
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