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So now I'm with the people blaring pony music and singing along. I don't know what I'm doing.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:27:25 UTC from StatusNet Android-
@redenchilada Did you talk to the girl.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:28:16 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Haven't seen her since then.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:29:00 UTC from StatusNet Android-
@redenchilada Aw. I suppose pony music is just as good as a Chrysalis girl.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:30:21 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I'm having fun. Maybe I'll go see what the cool kids® are doing.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:31:47 UTC from StatusNet Android-
@redenchilada You can do it, Red. You can hang out with the cool kids.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:33:53 UTC from web
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Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:33:48 UTC from web
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@awlderpy We're all a little insane.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:34:38 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:35:17 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I know. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:36:47 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:38:11 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I don't know what to think about that.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:38:59 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:39:46 UTC from web
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@awlderpy What do I do?
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:40:33 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:41:19 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I do that very often. I don't know if anyone's listening, though.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:42:34 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:44:14 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I pray to my god.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:48:01 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:50:20 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I hope they are. I'm honestly very scared.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:51:03 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:52:19 UTC from web
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@awlderpy Sigh.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:52:38 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:53:27 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I don't want this.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:53:59 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:54:45 UTC from web
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@awlderpy Maybe they don't appreciate me praying with tears pouring from my eyes.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:55:25 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:56:11 UTC from web
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@awlderpy Well then. I guess I keep praying.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:57:30 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:58:30 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I'm praying for me to not be whatever I've been for a while. I hate myself.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:59:06 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:00:46 UTC from web
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@awlderpy No worries. I'm hardly serious so when I am people don't notice.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:01:32 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I'm very much the same way. Plus I'm finding it very difficult to think rationally lately, so my apologies for that as well.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:02:44 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Same here. For me, I'm finding it extremely hard to think positively. When I try and get some positive vibes going, my brain sort of... messes up. And I break down. And I'm lost. It's bad.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:04:53 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Fumbling is never fun. I either want to just destroy something, or yell at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice, or cry. And I can't do either.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:06:43 UTC from web-
@awlderpy We're interesting people.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:07:49 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:09:24 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I'll be the man. That's what I feel like anyway.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:10:55 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:11:40 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I know. I just like to get it out there that I'm as human as can be. And am subject to the same emotional tendencies. Unfortunately. Or something. I dunno.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:13:28 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:14:33 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I like positive ones. But they're fleeting.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:14:58 UTC from web-
@yodelerty One cannot exist without the other though. I've always been big on balance, perect balance/harmony.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:16:08 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I just wish the positive ones showed up more often. A constant stream of negative emotion is not good.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:18:10 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:19:02 UTC from web
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@awlderpy Dunno how to get the balance though. It's way off.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:21:11 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I have to say as of late you've been much more calm here than I. So you're getting there.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:25:40 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I've been trying. It's really hard when you just want to give up on everything and not care what others think, though. But I do too much. So it physically pains me to keep calm.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:29:55 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I've offered this many times so if you don't want to hear it, too bad. If you wish to vent I'm here.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:31:50 UTC from web-
@awlderpy It's okay. But I will DM you should I ever decide to take you up on that.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:33:35 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:34:57 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I'm glad that I have someone to talk to should I need to, to be honest. Since Steven left, I really haven't had anyone to.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:38:42 UTC from web-
@yodelerty We all have our ways of dealing with our bad times. I'm trying desperately not to do the same thing.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:46:16 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Though, obviously, you can vent to me if you wish as well. It would only be fair of me to grant you the same kindness you've shown me.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:49:42 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I've been venting here rather much, so I'm good as now. Plus I'm not concerned with other people's kindnesses towards myself.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:51:21 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Well, the offer's always open should you change your mind.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:52:55 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:56:01 UTC from web
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@awlderpy Good. You're a good person.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:58:19 UTC from web-
@yodelerty ...Er, dragon.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:58:34 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 05:59:15 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I try my best. Though sometimes petty jealousy and rage get in the way.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:00:20 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Being a good person doesn't simply mean always being good, it's also being able to admit your faults.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:02:34 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Unfortunately, admitting my faults doesn't make them any more acceptable. Nor will it get people to forgive me for the harm I've done. I know I've said this before but, as much as I wish I could dismiss others' opinions, my entire self-worth is based on what others think of me. Which is awful, I know, because it means I try too hard to get people to like me and just end up looking desperate. Aaaand I'm venting again. Oops.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:07:12 UTC from web-
@yodelerty As iterated before, your venting is ok by me. Dissmissing other's opinions is a very difficult thing to get used to doing, I can't even do it all the time. You just have to keep trying to think inwardly.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:10:51 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I have a feeling it'd be easier to think inwardly if I had even an ounce of respect for myself. As it is, however, I think of myself below everyone else. This is mostly based on what friends have told me. Or people who used to be my friends that no longer want anything to do with me as a result of my awful behaviour. Since I can't even retain the respect of my closest friends, why should I bother respecting myself?
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:16:01 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Well you could look at it this way; if they abandon you over trivial things they were never your friends and just used the term when it was to their benefit, ergo their opinions are null and void. Honestly, and this will sound harsh, the way to start respecting yourself when people are like that to you is to say, ''Fluffle Puff them''.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:18:48 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I honestly can't afford to be picky at this point. If I classified friends as people who wouldn't abandon me when my mood worsens, I wouldn't have a single friend. It's pretty sad but it's really my own fault for being the type of person who just can't find good friends. I actually feel pathetic even saying this when there are people in worse situations than I but I just feel like I have to.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:25:00 UTC from web-
@yodelerty What exactly makes you say that you're the type of person who cannot find good friends, if I may?
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:26:43 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I wish I knew. I try my best to be a good friend. I've gotten an entire group of people together to keep a friend from committing suicide. I've sat by the computer all night in case a friend had a nightmare and needed someone to talk to. I've sang a friend to sleep when he was feeling sad. But as soon as I'm sad and my irrational behaviour starts showing, I don't get the same respect back. I'm being rude. I'm an ass. People just forget the good as soon as the bad comes along. And, quite honestly, I'm sick of it. I know I'm a good person. And, even if that doesn't show all the time, I'd like people to realize that. I just... I dunno. I wish I could be the person I know I am inside.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:35:24 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I like hearing you say you know you're a good person. Yes that is quite Potato Knish, that people seem to just throw all that good to the wind the second you start acting up. I'm in the same boat, ergo alone, and too pigheaded to try and apologise or make up anything. Dealing in finalities is a strong suit; once something is done for me, it's completely done. Same goes with friendships. I cannot suggest to you anything to make your good side more apparent than just keep at it. I truly think you're doing better than you were before, and you'll keep showing who you are the more you work at it.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:39:41 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I hope I can get my good side out there once again. It's difficult to try and think about the positives about yourself without your mind wandering back to the bad things people have said about you because, in my opinion, those stick out more. But you're right. I just have to keep at it and hope that the people I once called friends will accept that I have my problems and still want to be my friend again. Otherwise, they're gone. Though I doubt they'll really care.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:48:47 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Well see, no one says you have to care about people like that in the first place. Yes I might be a nice person but when I find a reason to not give a damn about someone I do so. Really the thing I've done in the past, regarding seeing the bad things people have said of me, done to me, versus the good, is just drop it all. Start anew, and a clean slate.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:51:47 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I honestly think it would be nice to drop it all but I'd probably have to sever my connections with most people I know, and I honestly could not bring myself to do that.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:57:30 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Not me. Nor, likely, some of the people here. We can be a sort of clean slate. It takes a very hard person to be able to sever every single line of communication with people. No one expects you to be able to do it. However, a transition in a gradual way can work just as effectively.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:59:45 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I'd probably have to have a guide on how to do that since it kind of involves having a certain level of control over one's own mind.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:02:17 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Mayhap I can help in this regard, although as someone who just severs ties I'm not so sure as to where to start. Also... well never mind; I'm a bit too harsh to be a guide. More a drill instructor.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:03:52 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Perhaps a drill instructor is what I need. I'm too soft.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:05:39 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:06:48 UTC from web
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@awlderpy We'll have to see. Right now isn't really the time to be making reasonable decisions though. I'm tired and I forgot to take my medication (not that it's doing anything).
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:08:10 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Oh of course. I don't like making decisions outside of being more or less clear of mind.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:09:22 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Of course. Though I doubt I'm really ever in a clear state of mind these days.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:11:26 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I'm never totally clear but to the point where I'm self-aware and can correct irrationality. I've lived a good part of my life that way and I see the same abilities in yourself.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:14:55 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Thanks man. I'm probably the clearest I've been in a while right now despite the sleep deprivation and depression. Doubtful it will last through the night but I'll remain hopeful.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:19:03 UTC from web-
@yodelerty It won't last, but you'll have relapses of both irrational behaviour and more or less clear judgement. That's the way to look at it.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:20:35 UTC from web-
@awlderpy That's good enough for me. As long as I can at least see that I'm being irrational. Might happen.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:22:51 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:24:10 UTC from web
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@awlderpy Then the next step is controlling irrational behaviour before it happens.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:25:41 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Oh that's a fun stage. Finding a tick usually that you can activate your self control will help mostly.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:27:38 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Such as?
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:29:33 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I usually sing part of an annoying song, make a crow sound, listen to baglama music or
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:31:22 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Singing is good. I learned recently that I don't sing very well and that I'm hardly improving but whatever. No one else can hear it.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:32:20 UTC from web-
@yodelerty I can sing better in Russian than in english, but singing in English is kind of the point far as I'm concerned. Maybe I just like annoying people a little.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:34:03 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Depending on the type of people, it's hella fun. I annoy people at work.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:35:42 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:38:20 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I prefer to not annoy friends. My managers, though? It's on.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:39:26 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:42:03 UTC from web
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@awlderpy Maybe I just need friends who can take a joke... or, y'know, friends in general. Heh.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:43:45 UTC from web-
@yodelerty Well I don't consider someone a friend until they make fun of my being bald or a sexual deviant. So fire away.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:44:40 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Your smarts must come through because you don't have anything atop your head compressing your brain.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:46:45 UTC from web-
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:47:53 UTC from web
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@awlderpy I certainly tried my hardest. Glad you liked it!
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:49:27 UTC from web
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@yodelerty What about his ushanka
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:47:57 UTC from web-
@nerthos I'm tired man. I can't be expected to be perfect.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:49:43 UTC from web-
@yodelerty It was great anyway
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:50:42 UTC from web
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@yodelerty Oh here's a good quote and a basis of thought to bring from this. When you feel like someone is giving you papaya, you just say (either to yourself or out loud) ''if I want your opinion I'll give it to you''.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:53:08 UTC from web
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@yodelerty The thing is, in that regard you're a better person than most. Whilst not in the same area as you, since I'm pretty much awful at dealing with depressed people, I know what you mean, but when you're far above the rest in an area you have to live with the knowledge that others will never perform as well as you do, and despite your effort they'll always disappoint. It's like being a top sniper, with all your fellow soldiers being average shooters. When you need them to make a shot to help you, the kind you do all the time, they'll fail miserably because they're nowhere as good as you at it.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:41:46 UTC from web-
@nerthos Literally why I was always point in the squad. Not just about the shot, but also about the ability to observe, to know the goings on before it happens.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:44:34 UTC from web-
@awlderpy The only solution to that kind of thing, the only way not to feel bad whenever it happens, is to do as I did and become really, really hardened, to the point you don't worry and you don't care about how much others suck.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:47:06 UTC from web-
@nerthos I've become hardened for the most part, but once in a while that idiotic self-consciousness of other people's opinions sets in. Difficult to remain in the same mental state when you still have bi-polar issues.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:49:21 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I'm blessed with an ego as massive as a sun and as dense as a a black hole, so as long as I stay within the boundaries of honor I'll never feel bad.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:52:44 UTC from web-
@nerthos Erstwhile I'm the exact opposite. I'll never improve enough in my eyes, not to the point of what I want to be. Then again, to be fair, I aspire to be much like God in omnipotence and perfection.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:54:46 UTC from web-
@awlderpy I aspire to pretty much the same as you know well enough.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:55:31 UTC from web-
@nerthos Oh of course, our agreements to this sort of thing is one reason as to why I like you. Which is odd because I don't like like-minded people.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:58:11 UTC from web-
@awlderpy Whilst we agree on overall objectives, our views and paths on them are quite different, so that can be an explanation for it.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:00:56 UTC from web-
@nerthos Most like, yes. The important thing is I find someone likeable through this medium. It's refreshing also to know how people think, rather than just assume they don't think at all.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:02:36 UTC from web
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@nerthos That's a little bothersome. Though obviously I don't expect others to do exactly what I do for them, or even at the same level. I just sort of expect them to do their best. Though apparently I'm just expecting too much. To be fair to them, though, I'm not exactly the best at accepting help that I know won't do anything.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:52:05 UTC from web-
@yodelerty You do have the issue of rejecting any positive comment made about you when you're feeling depressed and disregarding it as either wrong or a fabrication with the sole intent of making you feel good.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:54:53 UTC from web-
@nerthos Yeeaaahhh. I guess I just don't trust most people. If I'm not well acquainted with someone I'll usually shoot anything positive they say about me down, which wouldn't be so bad if I could do the same thing with negative comments.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 06:59:56 UTC from web-
@yodelerty You'll find out that sometimes, the most sincere comments come from people who don't give a FrankerZ, since they don't bother on trying to make you feel good or make you feel bad, they just speak their mind since they won't be there for any consequence.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:02:21 UTC from web-
@nerthos ...I hadn't considered that. Though most people who would even give an opinion probably give a cherry at least a little.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 07:04:53 UTC from web
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@thepavilionman True.
Saturday, 26-Oct-13 04:42:15 UTC from web
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