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I feel like I'm kind of falling apart. I don't know if I'm burned out or what. I "finished" my therapy course but I don't really feel like it made any difference. Meditation doesn't help as much as it used to, and I feel like my medication doesn't work properly anymore either. I feel almost compelled to take more than I should do, and I carry the box around with me habitually because I don't feel safe without it. I feel pretty fixated on suicide too. I don't know that I'd actually do it, but thinking about it is some kind of perverse comfort to me.
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@ceruleanspark There's always something greater to hope for. I know there is. I know what that's like to an extent. It sounds like you're feeling trapped.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:01:54 UTC from web -
@ceruleanspark by I know what that's like I mean I know how thinking of suicide is a comfort. Have you considered switching meds? Stop me if my suggestions are dumb.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:04:32 UTC from web-
@pony lol always
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:05:35 UTC from web-
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:06:01 UTC from web
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@pony What's the point though? I think the reason my meds don't work is because you can't medicate away the truth.
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@ceruleanspark @ceruleanspark Or it could be that your body gets used to the medication. about the truth: what is this truth you can't medicate away? We all most likely believe a hundred things to be true which don't even add up. This is why philosophy can be so confusing. There is so much darkness in the world and I am sure you are a light to some people. Don't erase that light, there is enough misery in this world.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:18:47 UTC from web-
@hakupony You can't medicate away being a waste of space
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@ceruleanspark You're not a waste of space.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:24:52 UTC from Choqok-
@omni So people keep saying. I can't believe it though. I can't do anything right.
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@ceruleanspark I don't know much about your personal life, but I can say you're at very least a great admin and moderator. And a great friend, if you may allow me to call you that (we don't talk much personal, but you're always there for those who need someone).
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:29:13 UTC from Choqok -
@ceruleanspark you know i actually had this problem not too long ago, i had the same mind set as you have now, i was so depressed that i just couldnt even get out of my bed some days, the days i did and i went to school i had my friends there to pump me up, i had a place in society that i had started liking more and more by the minute, look i can go on abput this, but my main point is this, you might think you cant do anything right but all this pain is the weakness leaving the body just get it all out and get it off your back and live your life as you intended not by other peoples standereds
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:31:55 UTC from web -
@ceruleanspark You keep this place up and running. It might not seem like much but it means a lot to a lot of people here.
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@scribus i agree with you i might have just become a member here but i love it this is the greatest community of people i've ever had the pleasure of talking to
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:37:06 UTC from web -
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@ceruleanspark No harm done.
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@ceruleanspark why would you put yourself down like that man :(
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:27:40 UTC from web -
@ceruleanspark there's infinite space and infinite time, and in the end everything we do on this planet will be nothing, but I don't think that's the point. You and I have no choice about whether we're useful or not (whether by our own perceptions or others'). Why should we think we have control over anything, even our own usefulness? I suppose this begs the question of your philosophy about the meaning of existence.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:29:19 UTC from web-
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:30:35 UTC from web
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@pony There is no meaning of existence. It's all pointless. On the grand scheme of things I know that means my general uselessness at all things therefore fits in, but it still makes me sad.
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@ceruleanspark Hey... -hug- I don't know what to say. But I think you're useful.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:44:47 UTC from web -
@ceruleanspark I would say there's no pre-set meaning to existence. Life only has the meaning and purpose we give it, and I'm inclined to say, "Screw 'em" if someone else doesn't like the meaning I've chosen. It's hard sometimes to keep going without any obvious goal or end result in sight, or to think of what goals we should be setting, but I know it can be done. And I would argue that as long as you aren't hurting anyone then your chosen meaning or goal is just fine. Or something, I kind of just woke up.
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@ceruleanspark that's certainly one theory, but how do you explain the order of the universe and your very existence if you have no greater purpose? I agree that the material impact we leave here is pointless, but I believe we have a spiritual purpose that we've carried with us here from before mortality which we are fulfilling in life and which will continue with us afterward. To say otherwise would imply that the order of the universe, including our existence, is merely perchance. Order means that nothing happens without reason or by chance. Therefore the order around us cannot be by chance, can it? There is too much to go into on my phone.
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@pony sorry to barge in, but this be my view on the topic as well.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 13:29:34 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@pony Look into the anthropic principle some time (tl;dr: we observe a universe that's well suited to us, because if it wasn't suited to us, we would not exist in it to observe it).
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@pony Neither. It doesn't touch on causation, merely the necessary correlation between "a universe which suits us" and "a universe which we can exist in" (and therefore observe).
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@bitshift I think I see. But why is that corrolation relevent to our purpose here? I find the order of the universe to be neither well suited nor poorly suited to us, but independant from us. That means to me that we have purpose whether or not we percevie it.
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@pony That doesn't necessarily mean that there is no greater purpose, just that "we're here" is not, on its own, sufficient to prove it.
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@bitshift "a universe well suited to us" is tripping me up. I'm not sure what that means or what to infer from it, but the fact that we observe order around us, not just anything, is what I'm driving at.
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@ceruleanspark is there a meaning of life? I don't think so. We mean something to some people and as long as this is the case, we are no waste. I can't talk about other people, but at least I don't want you to be gone, there are not enough nice people in this world and you are one of them.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 13:39:14 UTC from web-
@hakupony The meaning of life, ponies.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 13:40:02 UTC from web-
@murdershy Now, my argument is invalid.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 13:41:30 UTC from web-
@hakupony German sounds a lot like Danish + some other unknown language :D
Monday, 23-Apr-12 13:51:16 UTC from web-
@evilderpyshy It is related and I guess if you speak danish slow enough, I'd be abe to undertand what you wanted to tell me.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:15:02 UTC from web-
@hakupony xD well, it's also quite similar to norwegian... like for instance, the word "Scwarze" is "svart" in norwegian.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:19:07 UTC from web-
@evilderpyshy I like the scandinavian languages - they are like German, just 20% cooler.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:20:58 UTC from web-
@hakupony Especially Swedish, huh?
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:22:02 UTC from web-
@flaxx I can't decite which language I like more, maybe because I know to little of them.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:24:05 UTC from web-
@hakupony I mostly said that because Swedish is the only Scandinavian language I speak. >.>
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:25:35 UTC from web-
@flaxx One more then I do.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:26:25 UTC from web-
@hakupony And the exact amount I feel the need to know.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:36:14 UTC from web
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@hakupony lol. *steam notification pops up* "Punch In The Face" has just loged on. ... my friend likes to change his name quite often xD
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:22:30 UTC from web-
@evilderpyshy My friends didn't change their names since I joined.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:42:15 UTC from web
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@ceruleanspark Anyone who diligently seeks truth will find reason for hope. That's not to say that it's easy of course. Do you have any options that don't end in premature death? I used to think about abandoning everything and running away to live in nature when suicide didn't appeal to me. It was like death without dying in that i still was able to imagine escaping everything, even if it meant living rough (in the wilderness, on the streets, etc.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:22:51 UTC from web
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@ceruleanspark Suicide is something I never feel joy thinking about. Mostly because I remember how much worse it would make things and that doing it would be too much for me.
Monday, 23-Apr-12 12:12:43 UTC from web -
@ceruleanspark I'm not generally very good with words, but I think you're a pretty amazing guy and I'm quite glad to have met you. And I offer #hugs. I'm good at hugs.
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Monday, 23-Apr-12 14:18:42 UTC from web
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