Conversation

Notices

1. madington flavors

   @tenmihara okay sorry it took a while. I think the Phoenix part is good if only just a bit fast paced. I know it should be though so that's just my opinion. The feral ghoul part and just the hospital in general are good as well. Maybe a bit more description when they first enter so you can really set the eerie mood. That's all I got.

   Friday, 25-Nov-11 08:00:55 UTC from web
   1. Jordan Cameron

      @madflavors @asvendius noticed what May was doing while Ditzy was retrieving the cart; did you?

      Friday, 25-Nov-11 08:03:17 UTC from web
      1. madington flavors

         @tenmihara I actually did not. Of course im not at my most perceptive at the moment.

         Friday, 25-Nov-11 08:04:20 UTC from web
         1. Jordan Cameron

            @madflavors Fair enough, but I want the implications of what she gets up to to be noticeable, as they will become important later

            Friday, 25-Nov-11 08:05:56 UTC from web
            1. madington flavors

               @tenmihara Okay then maybe this is a sign it needs to be a bit more noticeable.

               Friday, 25-Nov-11 08:07:15 UTC from web
               1. Jordan Cameron

                  @madflavors But at the same time, it has to fall beneath Ditzy's notice. Hmm... I mentioned inhaler, dilated pupils and spacey look. As a reader, what do those imply together?

                  Friday, 25-Nov-11 08:11:20 UTC from web
                  1. madington flavors

                     @tenmihara Ahhhh well to the reader its Jet (Dash i think). I must have missed the inhaler part while i was reading.

                     Friday, 25-Nov-11 08:14:08 UTC from web
                     1. Jordan Cameron

                        @madflavors Then that's exactly what it needs to be. Ditzy is unfamiliar with the substance (being an honest merchant), and must eventually ask May what it really is, leading to a later confrontation

                        Friday, 25-Nov-11 08:15:58 UTC from web