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Hey guys, go give an internet buddy of mine some C+C on his fic. http://jev3.deviantart.com/art/Just-Passing-Through-Ep-1-213613252
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@redenchilada Like the music factory? #everyponydancenow
Friday, 17-Jun-11 22:50:57 UTC from web-
Friday, 17-Jun-11 22:51:40 UTC from web
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@redenchilada 'twas a joke. youtu.be/-MVzK9ktk9M
Friday, 17-Jun-11 22:53:19 UTC from web
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@redenchilada I just finished reading your friend's story. I'm really off my game right now, so this is going to be pretty pathetic, but relay this to your friend: --Remove the "theme song" part; the tone of the story is a bit too dark to be believable as an episode. --Re-do the paragraph spacing. Every time a new pony talks it should be a new paragraph, with a blank line between each, for readability's sake. --Having Apple Bloom stuck to Applejack's hip after worrying about her is really well done. So is the tension regarding Daisy Cream. --"Oh, hi. What do you want?" is pretty blunt/rude for Twilight to greet a random person, especially one that she's been seeing out of the corner of her eye all day. --The "back on the farm," "back in Ponyville" stuff should go. Find ways to do this without it being so blunt, like is already done in other paragraphs. --There's a lot of "show, don't tell" issues in here, like exposition that should come out in dialogue. But that's a LOT of re-writing.
Friday, 17-Jun-11 23:23:43 UTC from web-
@cupcakes Appreciate the input! Glad you liked the bits about Applebloom and Daisy Cream. I was worried I might have been trying too hard with that. --I'll see what I can do about formatting, it was much more readable in its original document version. --Thanks for the OoC alert for Twilight, I should be able to fix that easily enough. --Probably was kinda lazy with some of the transitions, might be able to tweak some of them. --The "show don't tell stuff" I'll just keep in mind for when I do the next part. --As for the theme song, since the tone is supposed to get lighter later on, I'll hold onto it for a little while and see how it fits into later parts. If it still doesn't work I'll just replace it with a divider.
Friday, 17-Jun-11 23:52:42 UTC from web-
@jev3 Hai Jarrett~
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