1. ok, apparently writing a scene featuring the CMC's is harder than I thought. IT was so easy to write a scene with twilight. #

    Sunday, 15-Apr-12 04:59:07 UTC from web
    1. @crusader8 It surely cant be thaat bad. No?

      Sunday, 15-Apr-12 05:00:10 UTC from web
      1. @renovatedkitchen I don't know if you noticed, but I used all of one or two adjective/adverbs in the entire text I sent you. I use actions and dialogue to describe characters. So, the three most hyperactive ponies ever will be a challenge to say the least

        Sunday, 15-Apr-12 05:10:03 UTC from web
        1. @crusader8 I guess thats a good point. It'll be very tough to do it properly without causing too much confusion. And yup. Noticed. Thats what I mean though. If you cut a teeny bit of that out, it will do you better to hook the reader. Did you get my last email?

          Sunday, 15-Apr-12 05:15:16 UTC from web
          1. @renovatedkitchen to be clear, what do you want me to remove? (safe to put here probably)

            Sunday, 15-Apr-12 05:18:54 UTC from web
            1. @crusader8 Just reword that bottom part, and remove some of the detail in the opening paragraphs so that the reader can get to the hook a bit faster. Its all up to your discretion.

              Sunday, 15-Apr-12 05:25:03 UTC from web
              1. @renovatedkitchen the bottom part will definitely b edited. I don't know about pacing though, I feel like I went to it too fast. It's not even coming from me being a speed reader, it's like 3 pages in and I'm already hooking the reader with a juicy hook. They only had time for campy-ness for like, 2 pages. I do understand how you feel about the opening paragraph though, I just felt it was necessary to paint a picture to put them there. Also, since nothing tense is immediately going on, it's safe to do it. (kinda wish I was better at openings still, I know I could do it better and still paint the picture.)

                Sunday, 15-Apr-12 05:30:45 UTC from web
                1. @crusader8 Okay. In that case, just put a hook closer to the beginning. Either something that is good on its own, or that will compliment the actual hook later. That way you can keep the description, but relate the reader to the story nice and quickly.

                  Sunday, 15-Apr-12 05:41:00 UTC from web
                  1. @renovatedkitchen In all seriousness (I will take your answer seriously), how often will people read two pages of something and not bother turning to the third page before throwing it down and giving up? If it's that bad I'll do something about it, I just thought the back and forth leading into her having to test her abilities with the stakes mentioned, etc. Was that insufficient? This is why I had you read it, so I could get away with asking you this question

                    Sunday, 15-Apr-12 05:56:01 UTC from web
                    1. @crusader8 it's not bad at all. And from what I see, it would depend on the readers mood. Just saying, add a little razzle dazzle to the beginning. Like I was saying before. Add a tiny D'wwaaaa moment, but something that will use the readers imagination and put Twi in their imagination rather than "she is feeling very happy". That should seal the deal.

                      Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:06:09 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
                  2. @renovatedkitchen I won't be offended if you hate any of it, bro.

                    Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:04:47 UTC from web
                    1. @crusader8 No worries. Either way, even if it was bad, I wouldn't be able to tell. Because everything is full of fulfilling its potential. People say a glass is half full or completely full, I say let me drink it either way because they will both quench thirst.

                      Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:08:36 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
                      1. @renovatedkitchen I'm about to be brilliant! Do the CMC part first. Maybe. The drawback is there won't be an immediate hook to the overall novella's conflict, but there would be more razzle and dazzle. I'm tempted to just have it the way it is but have that stuff she tries with a letter coming via Spike, to introduce a sudden change and surprise from what was previously happy-go-lucky. Kind of like episode 3 of season 2, she's all hunky dory until she realizes she hasn't learned anything in friendship. Then the switch flips. Would that work better?

                        Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:16:37 UTC from web
                        1. @crusader8 For sure! Just keep the first chapter separate for now. The CMC's would make a great opening/pre-chapter. Something quick and sweet, then they stumble upon [thing of importance]. Then you can continue with Twi's chapter, and expand more on the thing you mentioned, because the CMC's already gave the audience a sample. While still maintaining a pretty big grey area. Like if someone else was to read it, they would get what's sorta going on here, but the real plot or details are still covered and left to the readers imagination.

                          Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:25:51 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
                          1. @renovatedkitchen only flaw of CMC's opening up is that there'd literally be no foreshadowing of any effective value possible. They are also more like plot devices and less like supporting characters, because they [spoiler spoiler] and it moves things later, and then afterward they kind of fall out of the story. Again, it might make things easier to pick up and go but it won't properly set the tone. This ain't your happy-sunny MLP we talkin' here, so too much of that at the beginning might not mesh well. I consider this equally next to what you advise. I need to see if what you're suggesting still works with maintaining the first chapter's establishment of theme and tones, which is a very delicate endeavor, then I will do my best to incorporate your criticisms into my editing process.

                            Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:41:48 UTC from web
                            1. @crusader8 oh. Kk. I was going to ask. At some parts I imagine the typical anime MLP. But then sometimes I got this feeling that made them more "mature". Sorta like very nice fan Picts rather than computerized anime. That's a real bummer. CMC's are just hard to do because there's 3. Unless you could develop the sound of each ones voice. So like if you made it that scoot was breathing heavily you could say "blah, blah, blah" she said as she was still taking in short quick breaths. And try to keep the convoy's between two at a time, and change who is in the convo every now and then.

                              Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:50:02 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
                              1. @renovatedkitchen oddly enough I could completely remove the cmc's from the story and everything could still fall into place. I just have this firm idea that the CMC's show-wise are the ultimate catalysts of pony disasters, and I wanted to incorporate that into this. They don't open a jar and a big baddie comes out, but their constant CM hunting has some ripple effects that will help get the ball rolling after the first few scenes, ans sets up chapter two

                                Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:56:05 UTC from web
                                1. @crusader8 If they were in the story, would they only have one chapter?

                                  Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:59:57 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
                                  1. @renovatedkitchen They would essentially have one important scene in the beginning. I really could not see them doing anything else other than being in peril and having to be saved from said peril.

                                    Sunday, 15-Apr-12 07:04:33 UTC from web
                                    1. @crusader8 It might put you in a pickle if they have one scene and thats it. Especially if they uncover the main plot of the story. You could transfer it from them to the mane 6 or something, but unless it's done extremely cleverly as to not give them too much attention, the CMC's should be left out.

                                      Sunday, 15-Apr-12 07:20:10 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
                      2. @renovatedkitchen and I could also have Celestia say something to give importance to what Twilight achieved, like a "you'll need to be doing that a lot soon" or something.

                        Sunday, 15-Apr-12 06:17:54 UTC from web