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@greydragon412 One of those things I will never watch.
Saturday, 02-Jun-12 13:28:36 UTC from web-
ohai
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@cadenceloverkid Hay there! ...don't think we've been acquainted. hows tricks?
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@pawnheart who?i have BSOD.How am i here?
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@cadenceloverkid ...BSOD? Oh, and I just meant 'how are you'?
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@pawnheart there is a lost episode of mlp thats scary... but im fine.
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@cadenceloverkid Ah good! ... lost episode?
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@cadenceloverkid lost ep?
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@lyrica @pawnheart yes... it became a creepypasta.. the episode is called "friendship is dead". info here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6W6PigXSMc
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@cadenceloverkid oh fanwork...
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@cadenceloverkid ...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggght.
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@lyrica @pawnheart @greydragon412 twilight killed pinke pie in this ep.
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@greydragon412 I will never understand why you like that thing...
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@cajunbrony23 Yo may ask what you want. if i give it to you is another thing :P
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@cajunbrony23 Hey there, [s]annoying[/s] friend! ^_^
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@hakupony right, I have some poems that I need some constructive criticism on, would you mind taking a read at them? (look at how I grammar, its horrible :P)
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@cajunbrony23 I can try - but poetry always has been a bit alien to me, so I cant be of help that much.
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@hakupony well any criticism would be appreciated http://armybrony.deviantart.com/#/d51rjq9 http://armybrony.deviantart.com/#/d51y3zh
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@derpyshy oh hi
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@cajunbrony23 how are you? :3
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@derpyshy I'm ok, just woke up
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@cajunbrony23 Double-chats are awsome ^_^ I woke up at 6AM, but fell asleep again x3
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@cajunbrony23 "She only loves only there suffering, and their pain." I think you want to say "their" there. "she seduces you, making you think she is the only means of living." That is a very strange pacing. The hard thing about poetry is melody and rythm - and your rythm seems random to me here.
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@hakupony yeah I don't try to rhyme in my poems, since not all poems have to rhyme, but still I appreciate the critesizem
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@cajunbrony23 "As she seduces you, she toys with your mind. Bending and twisting it. She manipulates their minds until it snaps in two." Why do you change from second person to third person? it is confusing and if you don't want to express anything with it, that's not a good thing. "I felt the my world should end" the "the" seems wrong here. You could write "the world", "world", "my world" or "that my world".
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@cajunbrony23 I wasn't talking about rhyming but on rythm. If you write poems, it makes a difference when exactly lines end. I fail to see what you express by the way you use that tool.
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@hakupony oh, I see what you mean. ok I'll keep that in mind when writing poems from this point on
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@cajunbrony23 To make things short: "Sadness" seems more like "the femme fatale" to me. I could not feel how much her actions hurt. Also, you don't seem to use the medium at it's full potential. Now to the good things: I like how you left open if you are talking about an actual woman or just the anthromorpication of sadness.
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@cajunbrony23 I guess, "monters" is a typo. "I am not what they are. They hate and scorn me for it" You start every line with "they" - except the last one. This makes the last sentence to seem wrong. It feels like it was a lie or sarcasm. "And as they stand there laugh at me" why not laughing? "for what I choose to be" A very strong expression. I like that. "They mock me." You already established a strong picture which told just that. In addition, if you cut that sentence, you woul have room to rearrange where the lines end. "And I have no choice but to sit and watch." One thing to you personally: you always have a choice. But it is an impressive picture you use here.
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@cajunbrony23 @hakupony is very good at giving constructive feedback. He helped me with my Brony research paper
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@cajunbrony23 The third part just seems a bit odd based on where the lines end. The last part is nearly perfect - the onl thing I could nag about is the "down". In this one, you use the potential of language much better and it is easy to relate on what feelings and thoughts you want to express. Even though I disagree with some of the thingsyou want to express here, you did really well.
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@cajunbrony23 You're welcome.
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