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Whoa, it's past midnight and I'm still stable. Oh, stability, so nice to have you for most of the day for once... #selfhug
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:45:22 UTC from web-
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:46:29 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
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@renovatedkitchen #hugs I know that feeling, I've managed to go from insane happiness to suicidal in just a few minutes once. It sucks =/ Hope you'll feel better soon again
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:48:32 UTC from web-
@omni ya. Sometimes I'm so happy I want to die, other times im happy, then middle, depressed, suicidal, insane. I've sorts divided all my stages. Sometimes it goes through them all, sometimes it will jump around. I'm glad to hear that you are stable though ^_^ #Hugs!!
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:50:34 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen I know exactly what you mean #hugs. I have the issue that I have DID with that as well, which means that sometimes someone can wake up and take over. I generally have control over them, but it's scary when they break loose... Luckily I keep my body weak on purpose, so the time Zankoku (temporary name, he still needs a name but there is someone who names him that) woke up and tried to kill my owner he failed. Still, that was scary, I don't want to lose her... x.x (I have no clue why I'm recalling this right now, but I just am x.x)
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:55:11 UTC from web-
@omni #Hugs. I know what you mean bud :(. I used to keep myself weak, but I give up. Part of me is, well me. Then there's the part that wants to kill, the part that wants to commit suicide. Then there's a voice in my head, sometimes it's gone, sometimes it tells, and sometimes it sounds too real, like my ears almost hear it. The OCD is horrible too. It tends to spike, so at random I will like flipping a switch, I will go from happy to super stressed, ready to smash my head through a wall, get super emotional and all that stuff.
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:01:48 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen We seem so alike, when I read stuff like this...
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:03:57 UTC from web-
@omni I'm sorry that you have to endure this as well :( I always hoped that I was the only one who ha to feel that way :( #Hugs I'm so sorry
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:19:55 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen I probably deserve it, I guess.
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:22:42 UTC from web-
@omni no you don't. You do not. I do not care what bad things you have done or why you believe that, but I had the power to, I would take all the bad parts away from you even if it drove me to full on insanity.
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:29:22 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen I honestly wouldn't want you to. Even though they sometimes cause trouble, they help me stay stable as well (Tresto, for example, tries to catch perverted thoughts as much as possible before it reaches me, to keep me safe from them). Besides that, they all have their own partner as well, and I don't want them to be separated from their partner...
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:41:19 UTC from web-
@omni naming the personalities? That doesn't seen like too bad an idea actually. If I hadn't of given up already I would try that. But I already couldn't care less if I died. My life has no meaning to me
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:48:47 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen I stopped living for myself long ago as well, I'm only holding on because a few people I care about clearly state that they do not want to lose me, so I can't kill myself... I know exactly how you feel, really, my life feels meaningless in general as well, I'm just holding on for those that want me to hold on. What are you holding on for?
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:51:39 UTC from web-
@omni Why must life have meaning? What's so horrible about just living for its own sake?
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:55:16 UTC from web-
@toksyuryel It scares me, really. To be born for no reason, to die for no reason. Why does it matter what we do here now, then? If we all die anyway and lose all our memories (and most valuable possessions), what use does it have to live a good life, trying not to hurt others? v.v I want this to have some use, I need it to have some use... v.v
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:59:33 UTC from web-
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Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:02:19 UTC from web
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@omni me? Well, I've tried overdosing, I lived through that, I've tried running a metal pole through the side of my head,I lost my grip on it, and a couple days back I completely lost it, and was going to go into the garage to drink a bunch of antifreeze, but a package of car parts just arrived and I was distracted. I feel like there is nothing holding me back. People say they love me, but I can't feel it for some reason. However when I survived my overdose, I decided I'm going to dedicate my life to helping someone else. Like if someone is about to be shot, I will take the bullet so that they can survive. That's just about it.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:06:12 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:08:49 UTC from web-
@foxgopher you have to be happy already
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:11:57 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen I kinda was.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:12:53 UTC from web-
@foxgopher well guess what. You actually just made me smile some. I actually feel a little lighter now. Actually #Hugs. If you can keep it up....
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:15:53 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:16:55 UTC from web-
@foxgopher @HUGS always bud
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:23:11 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen Are you home?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:24:05 UTC from web-
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:28:59 UTC from web
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@renovatedkitchen I might stream a vector if you're interested.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:29:27 UTC from web-
@foxgopher I want to see your wallpaper. What is the URL?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:32:44 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen not live atm but http://www.livestream.com/foxgopher
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:35:23 UTC from web
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@renovatedkitchen woah man. Dark stuff. I never thought about suicide seriously. If you ever need a talk, give me a message. That goes for you too @omni
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:11:59 UTC from web-
@stonewing don't worry about me. There are many people that have it worse. I always feel bad for them :(
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:13:47 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen Just letting ya know. Im good company and a great conversationalist. No matter what, I'm here for ya
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:16:32 UTC from web-
@stonewing thank you. Tend to be super quiet in groups, but love one on ones. I tend to be a great listener.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:20:07 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
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@renovatedkitchen The best thing to do something for them is to live. You really seem to want to help people. Then do it - if you can't, then learn the skills you need. If you are of no worth for yourself, you could just as well turn yourself into a tool of kindness.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:16:39 UTC from web-
@hakupony But I fail to feel a real connection with people most of the time. I feel hopeless in helping others other than physically putting my own life on the line
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:22:57 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen Then work on that - it is not like that every way to help people would require empathy.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:26:53 UTC from web-
@hakupony But most of the time I have this emotional barrier. I have not been able to knock it down. I can feel other peoples pain, but I cant accept love, friendship or anything like that
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:30:09 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen So you don't accept love or friendship. But you still will see that your actions had a positiv result. If you just want to help and don't accept friendship, that is fine.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:34:23 UTC from web-
@hakupony I never feel like I have helped enough. I satisfied myself with how much I've helped someone.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:41:44 UTC from web
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@renovatedkitchen dude. you can [b]help[/b] someone feel better about themselves, even through text, you can [b]help[/b] someone by taking a stressful workload off of them, you can [b]help[/b] by just listening (you [b]did[/b] say you were good at that). Though you do save someone's life by taking bullets, you can save someone else's life by making them feel good enough not to put a gun to their own head. that way, you [b]both[/b] live. win-win.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:29:16 UTC from web-
@techdisk42 I still dont know bud. I will have to work on connecting with others if I do get a prescription for anti psychotics and anti depressants to help my mind first
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:32:30 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen well, you have already connected with us! so that is a start! i mean, when we met at anime north, we were connecting fine! Yes, the internet does make it alot easier, but still, you are able to connect.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:40:23 UTC from web-
@techdisk42 But I mean emotionally connect, like that super close feeling you get when you are with someone you know you can trust your life with.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:43:13 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen hey, if you're willing to trus one of us, it works out
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:44:47 UTC from web-
@stonewing But with me, this could take an extreme amount of years and such. I dont trust people like that too easily.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:51:23 UTC from web
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@renovatedkitchen You see - I don't believe in a God but you do. I'll use the language of religion because of that. "For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you… If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them." - John 13-17. It makes sense because how should you be happy if you don't accept joy - if you just run away? You are not as weak as you make yourself out to be. You know deep in your heart that you want to be of some use and that youdon't want people to suffer. Mental diseases are a easy way to excuse not doing something about your situation. I believe that you have the power because you made up your will in one thing that is so much harder - to be willing to lose yourself for others. You have that strength.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:44:43 UTC from web-
@hakupony I am not necessarily religious, just believe in God, Jesus and the whole shebang. No specific religion though. I may, but when your mind hurts so much you want to crack it open, or a voice inside your head is yelling loudly at you, or you have to resist causing harm to someone for no reason, that to me is a good enough reason to want to end it all.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:50:43 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen I understand that - but I still disapprove and believe you can do something about yourself. In addition - I don't want you to die :(
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:54:00 UTC from web-
@hakupony But I've lost my will to. If I die, nothing will really happen. The world will still spin
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:08:48 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen It will spin even after humankind is extinct. Doesn't change I would be sad - I propably would feel guilty as well.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:10:50 UTC from web-
@hakupony The thought that my death would hurt people did stop me once. I was holding a bottle of antifreeze to my mouth already. But that was a looooong time ago.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:15:13 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen If you live or die - it doesn't make a difference for the universe, but it does for us.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:20:41 UTC from web-
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:22:27 UTC from web
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@renovatedkitchen No problem :)
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:28:54 UTC from web
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@renovatedkitchen then your friends and family will have to cope with losing you. Thats quite selfish of you
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:18:36 UTC from web-
@stonewing Thats what stopped me that time
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:21:21 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen well what about next time? You have many friends, all of which love who you are, and would hate to see such a precious life go to waste when you can do so much good
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:26:55 UTC from web-
@stonewing I know I probably can, but I give up on trying. Thats my problem. If I could explain how mentally straining and exhausting it is to put up with my mind you guys would better understand
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:31:29 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen how about this. Come to the meetup tomorow, and explain it to me so I can better understand
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:33:32 UTC from web-
@stonewing Meetup? Where?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:37:21 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen the one that is planned tomorrow for 1 on the toronto group. Take a quick check, and we're meeting at the eaton centre, food court at 1pm
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:40:23 UTC from web-
@stonewing I will probably be too lazy. I would go if I could just drive there. I hate the TTC and hate downtown. Too many people
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:44:22 UTC from web
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@renovatedkitchen After all, you know better as I what you are good at and you have to find your way yourself. If you go to some of the typical social institutions and offer your help for free, they will accept. Give it a few ours each week and you eventually will notice you made a difference for some people.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:31:15 UTC from web-
@hakupony What you mean by this exactly?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:37:00 UTC from web
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@renovatedkitchen Even though I'm too afraid of pain to do stuff like that, I understand your pain, really. I sometimes dream of dying when saving my owner, so I know that feeling. However, being honest, I would prefer you to stay here. You really seem like a nice person and I would love to get to know you better, do you have MSN/ICQ/Gtalk or do you use IRC?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 09:27:54 UTC from web-
@omni I have msn, Skype, gmail (which I would assume goes with google talk) and kik messenger on my phone. Ill PM you the details. You seem like an awesome person to me.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 12:42:43 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
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@renovatedkitchen You still can find meaning by living for others. We humans are social creatures - and our meanings are social by nature. We want to be accepted, looked up to and so on. What do you think why so many people aim for love or for money? Because we are ourself because we are in society. Give yourself a reason in society and you have a reason for yourself.
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:58:21 UTC from web-
@hakupony I feel like my reason in society is to take a bullet for someone else. Although sometimes I think I would be a great father. That's thinking too far ahead though.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:07:42 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen Taking a bullet for someone else is a pretty bad idea - you could only help one person and give this one person a chance. Normally, problems do not get solved by a single action and it needs many people doing their part - and as a result, one person does his part in many things. It is not the sacrifice that counts but how much you actually help.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:12:55 UTC from web-
@hakupony then I will be dead, it wont count as suicide, so I won't go straight to hell, and someone else will still be breathing. Win - win
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:18:19 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen That's just a cheap excuse. Let`s just imagine I was God. So I'd know you made that sacrifice to use a loophole against the rule against suicide. But even if I would forgive you that - what would heaven mean for you? You still would be you - because you did not live a life which made you find a kind of self worth in helping others. I could send you to heaven, but would it be heaven for you?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:23:14 UTC from web-
@hakupony Because then I wouldnt have to work off my mind. Thats pretty much where the problem is. Things in life are looking up, yet I still feel that way. Im trying to score me some anti psychotics and anti depressants to help cope.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:28:55 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen dude, no matter the situation, drugs are not the answer. Not even perscriptions are okay if you can cope without. You have friends you can talk to, so talk t them
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:31:36 UTC from web-
@stonewing My one sort of close friend is at his cottage for the entire summer, and the other one has school all summer. I havent done any drugs in a long time, but anti depressants/psychotics would help so that I dont want to drive a screwdriver through my temple, chug antifreeze, or smash my head through a wall. The physical pains themselves are enough to do this when they strike
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:39:55 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen well then talk to us, hell Ill even give you my cell # if it helps
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:41:11 UTC from web-
@stonewing I should be okay. I've sent my cell number over to lots of people here and some have mine as well. Maybe one time after work when I have my car back on the road I'll pop by and say hello. We could exchange numbers if youd like though
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:45:00 UTC from web-
@renovatedkitchen that would work. Just pm me, Ill give you my #
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:47:41 UTC from web
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@omni I know that people normally develop Dissociative identity disorder to deal with heavy traumata - I don't know what happened to you and it propably is none of my business. In all those personalities, there has to be one "you" that is so precious that your "owner" is willing to go through the danger with your dangerous personalities. I truly believe that at least one "you" is a great person - it just makes me sad you got in this situation. #hugs...
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:38:47 UTC from web-
@hakupony Your beard Is just growing longer by each day...
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@hakupony Being honest, the personalities aren't the worst part, the worst part is the instability of "this" me, and the pain that causes.
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:42:11 UTC from web-
@omni Makes sense - your mind created the other personalities to protect your true self - omni - from those things. The names of your personalities are rather telling - I think, I'll reach for a bit. Krieg is born from fear and hatred. He takes this emotions to create a sort of battle-plan. You can use him whenever you feel threadened because of that. Omni is your "true" self - because "omni" means everything. But let me tell you something: the problems you told me here do not mean that you are weak. They more look like omni tried to face reality as a whole - which is a sign of strength - but that weakens the lines of the personalities. You experience that as a loss of control. I am reaching far here and please don't take my words for the truth. All I want is to give you another perspective which may give you some hope...
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:54:13 UTC from web-
@hakupony Most of it sounds alright, but I don't think Omni is my true self as she is pure. She doesn't understand pain, hatred, etc. like me and the others do, she's like a young child, really, so it's important for us to protect her well.
Friday, 22-Jun-12 23:57:50 UTC from web-
@omni Why did you call her "omni" then? Also: it seems like all personalities share one common goal - to protect omni. She seems to be the center of your system. And if I think of it - don't we all have our little "omni"? I am writing here as a member of a fan community of a series which is meant for little children. Look arount how many Bronies have some kind of psychological issues - maybe we also need to keep our inner child alive to be happy.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:06:41 UTC from web-
@hakupony When I think of it the only logical reason I can think of is because she is everything I was before bad stuff started to happen to me, but when I named her I actually didn't have a special reason. It just sounded like a nice name, and I needed a name to be able to talk to her.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 09:32:57 UTC from web
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Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:47:08 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
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@renovatedkitchen Generally sexual things manage to break me most easily, but I often enough break for no apparent reason. I'm sure it has to do with the constant bullying I've been through, but that doesn't solve anything =/
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:50:07 UTC from web-
@omni I'm so sorry #Hugs. I wish I was there to help you. I think the worst part of all this is that you don't know when you are going to be sad and when you are going to be happy. #Hugs. As shy as I am, if something gets me inside, then I go full on insane. I really try not to though :(
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:53:58 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
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@omni *plushiehug*
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:47:36 UTC from web-
Friday, 22-Jun-12 22:50:22 UTC from web
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@thepavilionman I feel as though I will never be able to feel close to someone
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:11:25 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman morning
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:12:37 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman TEA ! X3 [s]I need tea XP[/s]
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:14:28 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman Japan would be nice. Would pick up a cheap skyline, s15, supra or AE86. Would be nice. I used to like mlp a long time ago too
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:14:59 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen Which Skyline?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:15:59 UTC from web-
@mrdragon personal favourite is /maybe/ a GTR R33 with a RB26DETT swap, then r34, then r32. You?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:16:57 UTC from StatusNet iPhone-
@renovatedkitchen I must do like the R33's, though I must admit. The new R35, the Vspec GTR is sexy as buck. As for engines I'm not that way forward, I've yet to own a car but I'll get there.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:17:59 UTC from web-
@mrdragon No worries. Personally, I love my talon, but thats because Ive spent over $16,000 on it. Im not the biggest a fan of the R35 personally, but I can see why people would. I have always liked late 80's-90's sports cars though. Also, engine work is very annoying.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:26:54 UTC from web
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@thepavilionman tea is nice. Espresso or a can of monster is best
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:18:40 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman lol. Im sorry. Well, old Supra's are. Here, you are looking at spending at least 25,000 CND. Its horrible.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:24:04 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman Enjoy the tea!
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:27:05 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman Old, but amazing.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:30:19 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman Hugs are nice #Hugs
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:31:04 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman Yes. I would love a Supra too. #Supra
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:40:15 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman #Suprahugs. How is Japan?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 00:45:26 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman Im sorry. If I was there you would be getting too many #snuggles and #hugs
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:08:12 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman I suppose so. But my messed up mind doesnt like to be nice to me
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:21:56 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman I just let it do whatever. I let it run around and do whatever like a little kid on a sugar rush
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:25:12 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman Like i just told @stonewing though. Its very mentally strenuous and exhausting. After coping with it for a long time, I have given up
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:32:30 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman It changed for me too, but its back, and its gotten much worse
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:39:30 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman I know. Im sorry :(
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:42:57 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman Or quit
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:46:36 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman But when the game sucks, all you want to do is quit
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:54:00 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman I think so. Once I get antiphsychotics and anidepresants I will be much better
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 01:56:55 UTC from web -
@thepavilionman a lot of the time virtual doesn't quite cut it. People are different online than they are in person.
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 02:03:29 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman that's true. I hope you do soon :)
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 02:09:45 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman that sucks bud
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 02:14:26 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman that's true. What have you done so far?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 02:24:07 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman oh. I'm sorry. You working or something?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 02:26:45 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman lol. Is it fun?
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 02:31:48 UTC from StatusNet iPhone -
@thepavilionman that's nice that they do that. And I will. Thanks. #Hugs. I hope you have a good day
Saturday, 23-Jun-12 03:17:35 UTC from StatusNet iPhone
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